In the immortal words of Charlotte Bronte ...

"Reader, I married him.  A quiet wedding we had:  he and I, the parson and clerk, were alone present.  When we got back from church, I went into the kitchen of the manor-house where Mary was cooking the dinner and John cleaning the knives, and I said - "Mary I have been married to Mr Rochester this morning"

Not Mr Rochester, in my case, but Mr Green.  And like Jane and Mr R, a quiet wedding we had, far from the madding crowd in the peaceful gardens of Cataract Gorge in Launceston.  The parson was unable to make it, nor was the clerk, however we had a most pleasant lady celebrant and two witnesses she had arranged.  No objections were raised to this man taking his wife and indeed the only other observer, a local peacock, not only held his peace, but looked entirely satisfied with the proceedings.

Following the formalities, we repaired not to the kitchen of the manor-house but to the Cataract Gorge Restaurant for a delightful lunch and some welcome libations in good old Aussie fashion. 
Later in the day we went on our way, driving to Ross - to begin our two week Tasmanian sojourn.  And a wonderful holiday it was, which I will write more about later. 

In taking this step, we were hoping our friends and family would understand and not feel they were being excluded because we didn't want them to share our happiness.  Having both been married before, we decided that this time, rather than making a public statement through a traditional wedding ceremony, with all the complicated logistical arrangements that accompany such things, we preferred to make it a private and personal commitment between the two most important people in this marriage - ourselves.  That didn't mean that we didn't think of our dear friends and family members on this very special day; they were very much in our thoughts, especially our children - David's son Ryan and daughter Sarah and my son, Simon.  We made mention of them in our ceremony, as well as our parents - David's wonderful mother Edna, now an amazing 95 and still with us and David's father and my parents, who sadly are not.  I was not fantasising too much I don't think in having the distinct feeling they were looking down approvingly at their once wayward daughter, considerably relieved that she'd at last found herself a good man.

And good man he most definitely is.  Wonderful man in fact and I count my blessings every day that after many meanderings, a number of dead-ends and more detours than I care to think about, I have found David, my "Mr Right".  Here he is below - looking handsome on our wedding day, as he always does. 

More pictures will follow in coming weeks ... of us and Tasmania ...so stay tuned!

Oh where did I go wrong?

"Why he didn’t call you back" / "He’s just not that into you"/ "You lost him at hello" .........

The above are just three titles of a growing genre of “self help” literature aimed squarely (but not fairly) at single women. On the assumption, presumably, that they are hapless lost souls searching in vain in the mysterious world of dating for a bloke to fancy them. The second simplistic and faintly insulting assumption is that these poor gals are constantly missing the boat because they are too befuddled to pick up on the glaring gaffes they are making in the game of attracting “Mr Right” or even “Mr OK for Now” (which one of them seriously suggests is a reasonable option when the pickings are slim).

The latest offering, “Why he didn’t call you back”, is claimed to be a collection of “exit interviews” conducted by a woman researcher with 1,000 men exploring their reasons for failing to follow up after a date or “online flirtation”. She allegedly wheedled from these guys “unabashedly honest and raw answers”, refusing with steely determination to accept any lame excuses such as “there wasn’t any chemistry”. Fairly reasonable explanation I would have thought. Still one must admire the gal. Most attempts to get at the raw unabashed truth when it comes to men are singularly unsuccessful, prone as the delicate chaps are to cut off their right hands rather than deal straightforwardly with anything remotely emotionally confronting.

I have yet to be enlightened as to what specific justifications for summary dismissal these chaps listed, however the none too tactful implication is that every single cotton pickin one of them is the result of subconscious “signals” that us poor silly women are apparently sending unawares. These glaring sins (whatever they are) are apparently as blatant as if we had neon signs plastered to our heads flashing “unworthy” and completely turn off these otherwise almost certainly perfect for us guys. Who would of course, but for these little behavioural quirks of ours, be just hanging out to offer us love, devotion and life long commitment. Stupid stupid us.

Fortunately though, all is not lost, we are about to be regaled by practical advice that will fix these unfortunate problems and send those nasty little off putting signals packing. We are promised a virtual deluge of men slavering to get it on with us if we just buy this book and learn from it.

Apart from the fallacious notion that every time a couple meet and don’t click, it just has to be the woman’s fault, I take issue with the proposition that any half intelligent woman could possibly be consistently behaving so doltishly that she would be incapable of fathoming out why she was turning off desirable men on a regular basis. I can believe this of men, certainly, and from unfortunate personal experience know several who go through their whole lives in blissful ignorance of their basic repugnance to the female race.

The other aspect of this line of “helpful” advice that I object to is that it reinforces women’s already strongly ingrained tendency to take the blame for things that don’t run smoothly in romance, or any other personal relationship for that matter. We as a gender are far too quick to turn the beady eye of criticism onto ourselves when things go wrong and come over all conciliatory and apologetic, thereby letting the other person (usually male) off the hook.

It takes two. If he doesn’t call back after the first date, email, sleepover or whatever, too bad. It wasn’t meant to be. If you have to draft a strategic plan to make him want to see you again, well yes he’s obviously not that into you, but I don’t think you’ve lost much. I'm not recommending that you act like a desperate fool of course and rush headlong into a date with your heart not only on your sleeve but plastered all over your face - we all do better if we play it a bit cool at the start. But, if you have to consciously manipulate someone into liking you or wanting to be with you, or just having the decency to phone you when they said they would, then it seems to me it’s not a great basis for a relationship. At the end of the day, everyone has to drop the games and grow up if it’s going to work, and these sorts of books are pretty light on about how you deal with that eventuality.

But if in the interim women are conned into thinking the promised pearls of wisdom just might change their lives, what are they to do if they don’t? What if they rush out in droves to buy the latest book of revelations, slavishly follow the instructions contained therein to the letter, practice their new found man-magnet behaviour on the next few blokes that hove into view, and then, shock horror, it still doesn’t bloody work? Are they going to go home and lash themselves, slash their wrists, turn lesbian, or what?

Hopefully not. Hopefully they will concentrate on living their lives as well and fully as they can for themselves and if someone comes along and likes them for that, great. If not, well they could just stay home and write about the 1,000 reasons (or more) why a woman might reject a man!

I hate Valentine's Day

Yes I know it's a week or so away, but I just saw an article about how to look your best for Valentine's Day and it reminded me of this impending assault on our fragile sense of emotional equilibrium (or mine anyway) not to mention our wallets if we happen to have a partner who needs a reminder of our devotion to them.

Now this cynical attitude could be construed as a case of sour grapes on my part, because I currently have no potential flower, chocolate or red heart donor, nor for that matter any potential donees deserving of a few bucks spent on them, and sadly have been in this non-starter state for the last few years when the great day has dawned. But I hasten to reassure you it’s not that – well not entirely anyway and I do try to tone down the bitchy looks at those more favoured colleagues at the office tripping off to collect their floral tributes, having been ostentatiously summoned by the receptionist who can never resist an arch comment or two on such occasions. It’s a bit like Mother’s Day if you’ve got no kids, or no living mother I suppose or Father’s Day or any other “day” where you’re clearly a non-contender for whatever reason – even the most together of us can’t help but feel a bit left out. And for those of us who are decidedly shaky anyway, this stuff could be just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

There is something decidedly contrived about the symbols of affection precipitated by the blatant commercial campaigns that all such “days” have become and although I would never want to discourage any ardent swain from lavishing their paramour with offerings of flowers, perfume, jewellery, chocolates or whatever else they think might take their fancy (except perhaps not those grotesque shiny heart bubble thingos which are frankly gross and belong in a used car yard), the simple spontaneity of a thoughtful caring gesture or act, unprecipitated by any special occasion is possibly more to be valued.

The other thing about the dreaded “V” day is that if you happen to be lucky enough to have a special someone, depending on the longevity, stability or requited nature of the relationship, it can be very tricky indeed navigating your way through the potential pitfalls this occasion can present. If you have been blissfully together for a while and no clouds are currently marring the vista of your togetherness then of course you don’t have a problem – sit back and either accept all offerings gracefully or give generously, or both, or just ignore the whole ridiculous shebang and enjoy each other. No, what I’m talking about is those often more frequent situations where you haven’t been together long, you’re not sure how you feel, or how he/she feels, or things are just a tad rocky for whatever reason. Then you are faced with the dilemma – do I boldly front up with a pressie, or maybe more guardedly just a card, or take the coward’s way out and send an anonymous missive (which of course is in fact being more true to the tradition in any case) – or do I furtively get a “just in case” little something and hold it in reserve until something materializes from the one in question? This situation must of course be handled very delicately as one must make sure the little something is fairly closely to hand in the event you luck out in the recipient stakes so you can just whisk it out as though you almost but not quite beat them to it! If you are caught on the hop and have to say, well of course I have something special for you darling, but stupid me, I left it home/in the car/at the office – well anywhere but at the shop clearly, unless you are a complete Valentine’s dunderhead and in fact it is at the shop as yet completely unconsidered and unpurchased. Here some very quick thinking is in order. Usually I may add it is the male of the species who finds himself in this tight spot – silly buggers that they are.

I have had many such dilemmas over the years ranging from being delightfully surprised with bounteous and gorgeous flowers from someone I hankered after but thought I had little chance with, to being sent a huge, ostentatious and garish arrangement more suited to a funeral parlour by someone I loathed – which went immediately into the bin. The satisfaction this gave me was quickly annulled when the idiot in question promptly phoned to ask if I got his flowers and really put me on the spot. Another time in the very fledgling phase of a relationship I got completely carried away by a store display or listening to too many romantic songs, or being drunk or something and drove all the way across town to buy a very expensive and hard to get book, the title of which I can’t remember now except that the word “love” figured prominently in it. This of course was coupled with a full-on “to my sweetheart” Hallmark extravaganza of a card in which I blush to remember the fond sentiments I inscribed. Great thought but about two thousand degrees to the right of moderation, given the developmental stage of that relationship as was evidenced by the awkwardness of the recipient on having this lavished upon him. He gave me a card – in which the word “love” was nowhere to be seen.

So in retrospect this Valentine’s Day perhaps rather than feeling miffed at being on the outer, I shall feel relieved not to have to deal with any of it at all and just carry on as though absolutely nothing was different. (Which won’t be too hard actually as this year it falls on a Saturday so I won’t be confronted by other people getting stuff I have no wish to see).

Commodifying Cupid (or how I've learned to hate online dating)

Reckless as it can sometimes be to make "never again" statements, I am vowing "never again" (for now at least) to online dating. After lots of reflection, I've concluded it is a process that is fundamentally flawed. Flawed that is, if one uses it like I've done to try and make contact with a likely person of the opposite sex, with the aim of establishing a committed, mutually agreeable and essentially monogamous relationship. If your aim is to "hook up" for a more basic liaison, where monogamy is a totally trivial pusuit, and you're not too particular about the qualities of the "hookee", then the process may well work really successfully.

I read an insightful commentary by one online dater recently who'd given it a good long try, ultimately without success, and concluded the process is a great way to meet people but a lousy way to end up with someone. Her theory is that online dating changes people because they come to see the people they meet as commodities, which they feel free to pick up and put down at whim, rather like browsing in a shop. Perhaps it's because of the commercialised nature of the thing, which has become very big business indeed. As consumers par excellence, we are indoctrinated to look at things we have to pay for in a different, more materialistic light, and to see those consumables as ultimately disposable. In other words, it's fine to pick up a little something to while away a Saturday night, or maybe even a week or so but it's pretty likely that if we keep browsing, something even better is bound to be out there and then it's no big deal to consign the first purchase to the recycling bin. As a result, online dating promotes a culture of constant looking, rather than actually finding and committing, which is of course the aim of those making huge profits from the sites. Imagine if the thousands of hapless lookers all got promptly matched up for life after only a few attempts, Match.com, RSVP and the rest would pretty soon be making only big bucks rather than megabucks.

The other aspect of the whole thing that simply doesn't work for me, and I suspect many others, is the entirely contrived nature of the connection. If (and it's a big if) one gets to the stage of actually meeting a likely match, it of course constitutes a blind date with all the ghastliness that implies. How on earth to be "yourself", comfortable, relaxed, pleasant when from the instant of first sighting you just know they are totally checking you out for possible consumption, as of course you are doing to them, poor sods. And if on first sighting, despite perhaps an attractive photo, a witty and charming email correspondence, even a pleasant phone chat or two, your immediate reaction is "Oh God let me out of here!", or worse you can see that look in their eyes, it can be an ordeal straight from hell just getting through a coffee, let alone if you were foolish enough to agree to a full on dinner! Here is where alcohol in copious amounts is really useful, except for the pitfall of booze induced visual impairment where after enough, you can start to find even Quasimodo strangely sexy. Anyway the whole thing is usually utterly boring and because of how you "met", the conversation sooner or later leaps into "relationships", where you get to hear about their inevitably grotesque ex-wives and all the many desperate women they've encountered on the online dating site, who of course being the chick magnets that they are, they've had to almost literally beat off with sticks. One could go on, but in the interests of good taste I won't.

Apart from all the above, this method of putting oneself "out there" means you become instantly totally vulnerable and exposed (metaphorically speaking) to not only the world's choicest selection of freaks, cranks, sexual deviants, and social misfits, but to the experience of constantly being scrutinised, checked out, rated, laughed at, scorned and all too often found wanting in some way or another. This of course is pretty much a part of life, but usually only happens irregularly at such times as job interviews, auditions, exams and such like. But in online dating it becomes a way of life, and it's very emotionally demanding.

I have as a result, convinced myself that the process, while like so many seeming brilliant in theory, in practice just doesn't work the way many people think it is supposed to. The profiteers of course would have you believe otherwise and a quick glance through their "success stories" (supposedly autobiographical) may give one pause for hope. Far be it from me to be a nay-sayer and I have heard of friends of friends who met, married and lived to tell the tale on online dating sites (never met one personally though), so clearly it works sometimes. But I would be really interested to know the percentages, as I suspect those who actually find the love of their life are very much in the minority.

But I am not cynical or disillusioned about life, love and the potential of all of us single men and women to find happiness at whatever age and I remain very open to the possibility myself. But I just don't think it's going to happen via Cyber-Cupid, for me.

A taste of spring

Here in Adelaide we have had a couple of days of somewhat premature spring weather - given that spring officially begins on 1st September. We seem to have had a particularly long, cold winter so the warmth of the sun is very welcome. I occasionally escape to a nearby park at lunchtime to read or meditate or just enjoy the fresh air and commune with the ducks, who I must say are considerably better company than some of my workmates. Possibly more intelligent also. But that's another story. Life is problematic in the career area at present and well ... the love life as previously mentioned has had its ups and downs, so while I sat watching the ducks in the park yesterday, I was hoping spring would start to appear in me. The bleakness of winter is still haunting my thoughts rather too much at present and I feel I must make a conscious effort to restore some positive feelings. Sometimes all it takes is just sitting quietly for a while in a beautiful place and feeling its calmness and peace ... sometimes it's a bit harder, but I hold onto the thought that springtime will prevail, in me and in the park!

Found ... and lost

I haven't referred to my romantic quest for a while, the reason being I thought I'd found something that looked and felt so much like the real thing, I wanted it to have time and space in which to grow and blossom. My forays into the online dating world seemed to have finally borne fruit, in that a few weeks ago I met a man who was sweet, kind, caring, thoughtful and so drop dead gorgeous he made me weak at the knees just looking at him. What gave me hope after a long season of little hope was that he seemed to care for me and seemed to want what I wanted. We had some very special times but ultimately it seems the relationship is not to be, for reasons I confess I don't fully understand. Apparently a chance encounter has caused him to be conflicted about his feelings for a past relationship but be that as it may, I don't think after all he is the man for me.

Getting close to someone is challenging for me. It brings up lots of old demons of fear and mistrust that I struggle to conquer. I know though that I am gradually learning how to be open, trusting and courageous in the face of these doubts, as one must be to achieve anything worthwhile. Cynicism and game playing are characteristics abhorrent to me and if I give away too much, so be it... I have a lot to give away.

This time I think I have learned how to love and let go. I thank this person for the gifts of caring, warmth and passion they brought to me and if they can't be lasting ones, then I believe they are there to be found with someone else.

The economics of love

Economist Harry Clarke, in his very interesting blog on "economics, politics and other things" in a recent post referred to an article written by Ben Stein which was published in the July 13, 2008 edition of The New York Times. The article is entitled "Lessons in Love, by Way of Economics" and puts a rather interesting new perspective on relationships.

Ben Stein's hypothesis is centred around the idea that the level of return one gets in relationships correlates to the level of your investment. If you invest enough caring, patience and unselfishness, he suggests, you are likely to reap the rewards in terms of love. He does caution us though that high quality bonds yield more returns than poor, so we should stick to high quality human beings - steer clear of any potentially problem investments in other words!

He also advises that in love as in the stock market, research pays off, so no plunging in blinded by lust or peering myopically through rose coloured glasses. Diversification also is not profitable - returns are greater when a monopoly exists, so no fooling around on the side. A longer term investment is a more profitable proposition also, so one night stands should be eschewed in favour of more solid commitments. Other tips include keep realistic expectations and stick with winners.

Sounds a lot more sensible than any dating advice I've heard recently!

More adventures in looking for luurve online

A major area of debate with myself in the online dating venture has been deciding whether to show or not to show the photo. I am currently fearlessly exposed, so to speak as am conducting a sort of self-experiment to gauge whether or not my success rate zooms or plummets. Prior to this, suffice to say that most of my efforts (about which I remain extremely ambivalent) had met with resounding, even deafening failure।

Well as they say it's a feast or a famine। Having bravely left my moniker displayed for all to see (hopefully not the boss or anyone else who thinks I'm much too refined for such activities), I added grist to the mill by including a couple more recent shots I had taken professionally for another purpose (seriously). These are if I may say so myself, quite flattering of yours truly. In other words the photographer (more on him in another post) had performed miracles
with, I'm assured, the assistance of only minimal air brushing ... I know, that's what they all say.

Anyway what had been a spark of interest generated by the original photo, erupted into a virtual torrent of contacts. Three days later I was still ploughing through the various entreaties attempting to make considered assessments and politely respond (as we online daters are strictly instructed to do.) Until I lost the plot after a trying day at work and in the attempt to
sort the wheat from the chaff (no offence intended ... as of course what may be chaff to me could very well be someone else's Mr Right (or Mr Weetbix as the case may be), managed to delete the lot. Oh well, there's always next weekend. It seems the weekend is the peak time
for online dating activity - whether it's the climax to a week of frustrated singledom or the home alone on Saturday night again syndrome, I don't know. But the week days in between seem much quieter by comparison. Good thing, I say, gives one time to draw breath.

On the matter of polite responses, previously referred to, the online dating agencies seem rather anal in their fixation about the need for this. To the extent the one I use provides quite a long list of standard pre-prepared one liners, from which one may choose. In their attempts however to couch rejections tactfully, most of the ones that mean "thanks but no thanks" begin with "xxx is thrilled to have received a kiss from you ... however". Now to me this is a wild assumption and a blatant fabrication. If xxx was indeed "thrilled", I doubt she'd be batting the kisser away like a pesky fly. On the contrary, on the rare occasions when a photo and/or profile or email
goes so far as to generate a thrill, one loses sleep waiting for the next exchange! So why can't they tone it down a bit, e.g. something along the lines of "xxx understands your interest and sympathises with your desperation, however you are not ringing any bells with her".
Alternatively, a polite but tactful silence would, I think, be all the message anyone of any discernment should reasonably require.

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Lurve on the Internet

Herein I must say a few words about my ongoing experiences with online dating. As my friends know, I have been single for quite a few years now since the demise of my second marriage.
In the earlier years, well at least before I turned (gasp!) 60 (herinafter referred to as BITGS) this was purely a matter of choice, and there were in fact frequent brushes with romance, some lengthier than others. I hesitate to launch into a roll-call here but there were some notables among them.
From time to time encounters were precipitated by an audacious venture into the world of online dating, which occasioned some optimistic leads at times. At other times Mr Potential materialised in a comfortingly sane non-cyber sort of way. Sadly the last few years have been unkind in the serendipitous romantic encounter domain and of late I have been lurking the murky corridors of one well known online dating site more often than is probably wise.
It occurred to me that the discrete blogging (no real names used of course) of a few of the more amusing excerpts from my online dating experiences may be entertaining and/or instructive especially to those women friends who are similarly partner-challenged and thinking about taking the plunge into the online minefield.
There is no dearth of advice, instruction, helpful hints, warnings etc. available now in the public domain to the hapless (or hapfull???) online dater, but nothing beats a bit of personal experience in my view. Before I launch into the truth and nothing but, an introductory list of basic do's and don'ts compiled by experts in the field may be a good intro.
I wholeheartedly endorse this list, but would include a few additional tips - take a pinch of healthy scepticism, a tablespoonful of honesty, a bucketful of caution and common sense, chuck away all expectations, throw caution to the winds and enjoy!!!